the long way 'round

there are things in life that are worse than a breakup

Hey there! I’m writing from Amsterdam, where I’m currently attending a workshop hosted at CWI/QuSoft. this quarter has honestly been a bit of a fever dream (more below), and such is the tone of this installment.

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autumn colors and views of lake arrowhead

Recently I’ve been preoccupied again with this strange feeling of being stuck living between the past and the future. I was raised to think about the rest of my life, so I’ve always tried to make plans for the sake of my future self, while the only version of myself I’ve ever known was the one in the past. what’s worse than a breakup, you ask? for me, I think it’s living in limbo.

(What they don’t tell you: sometimes you fall headfirst in love when you’re young, and you rush on past but a part of it lives inside you forever, and one day you wake up and realize you still see the ghost of your past everywhere you go. after all, there’s nothing like the honesty of a first love. but you can’t tell other people, because they’ll for sure take offense, and also probably think you’re mildly insane. at least, that’s how everyone reacts when I confess that Amsterdam in mid-November makes me miss the east coast, because seriously? the winter is so dark and depressing and besides California has seasons too and they’re actually nice!¹ and yet I haven’t visited once since leaving, and I don’t know if I’ll ever return.)

All of this to say that lately I feel like I’ve been forced to make a lot of decisions, and will continue to be in this position for a while, and I’m still getting used to the uncertainty and the temporary of it all, lol. I decided to pursue a PhD precisely because I wanted to have more control over what I would spend time on, and yet the older I get the harder it feels to stick to any sort of life plan. that said, I’m still in the middle of a transitional period, and it’s possible that I’ll come out of it in a couple years feeling very differently.

One thought I had recently: I feel like the major tension of being in my early to mid-twenties is that everyone is accelerating away from each other in our pursuit of our own lives, with a sureness that only a recent grad could muster. and yet most literature on this topic agrees that young people undergo one of the most important periods of personality formation between the ages of 20 and 30.² so why is it that even though so much emphasis is placed on choosing a good school fit for the sake of letting yourself bask in the influence of the people there, there’s relatively little advice like this directed to college graduates (i.e. the me of a year ago)?³ but maybe it doesn’t really matter, maybe I wouldn’t have truly taken it to heart even if someone had shoved it in my face.

Still, despite my lack of real planning, there’s been some nice surprises about grad school—for example, it still amazes me that I just so happened to stumble upon my current group of grad school friends within my own cohort! also, it turns out that many of my worst problems in life are still self-manufactured, like the two weeks of jetlag (i.e. complete sleep schedule disruption) I endured after choosing to commute between Berkeley and Stanford at 6am for several days, before making the drive down to Lake Arrowhead in the middle of the night for IQIM retreat. hopefully I’ll be able to correct all of this after I return to Pasadena.

I’ll close out this post with two festive messages: first, an early Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate! I’m truly grateful for everything this past year has given me, and for all of the people who’ve witnessed me living through it—that includes you, too. second, I wish anyone applying to grad programs this cycle the best of luck. don’t hesitate to reach out if you’ll be in the area or if I can be of some help to you :)

1. Southern California has two seasons, to be exact: a dry season, and a less dry season. in my opinion, the New England to mid-Atlantic spring and autumn are far superior!

2. See e.g. https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.54.5.853

3. Also, why does it feel like everyone on the internet is suddenly talking about friend breakups? (just me?)